Taking a Leap.

Have you ever wanted something so bad, your heart hurt and your mind buzzed, but you didn’t know how to talk about it, you didn’t know how to hope for it, and you didn’t know how to chase after it?

“Take a leap of faith?” they tell you.
If you’re like me, you’ll ask them: “What constitutes a leap? Do you have to run for a while before you leap? How long? How far is the leap? What do you do with your arms when you’re in the air? What if you only take a jump and you don’t know it? What do you do if you leap in the wrong direction?” The unknown makes you scared. Its easier not to take the leap of faith. So you don’t. You bury your dreams and desires and pretend they never existed.

Allow me to let you in on a little secret.

Burying your desires doesn’t make them go away.

It only pushes them further into your heart.

Since I was a little girl, I’ve been enthralled with the realm of stories. I used to read all the time. I never went anywhere without a book. I loved how stories brought people together; around dinner tables and campfires, at bedtime, at movie theaters. I loved going to church every Sunday and watching everyone walk in carrying the most precious book in the world under their arm. Even before I understood them, I loved hearing the stories from that book, dripping with ageless truths and love and beauty. As I got older I started to write too. I loved writing letters and poems and stories of my own. Words were powerful and stitching them together to create something beautiful felt like art. I started to wonder what it’d be like to actually pursue writing.

I wondered for years.

And years.

But I was afraid.

And then this Past Summer I decided I was sick of wondering. I took a leap of faith and spent six weeks at an advanced discipleship training program in Windsor, Colorado called Ellerslie. While I was there I received instruction in the realm of writing and communication. I felt that weight on my heart, that pull on my spirit (you know what I’m talking about) to chase after my love for writing and reach for the seemingly impossible. To not just write poems for my family members on their birthdays, or stories scribbled in journals that only I’ll ever read. I felt called to something bigger. As I prayed, the Holy Spirit kept assuring me that I was walking in his will. That he wanted me to write. That my words mattered.

“But Jesus, what will people think? What if no one cares? What if it doesn’t make a difference?”
“Don’t you think I could have felt that way about coming to die?” he told me.
“But you saved millions. What if my words only helped one person?”
“I would have lived and died for just one.”
His words hit me like a dagger to the heart.

For just one.

People don’t live like that. We live for numbers and followers and likes. Accolade and success isn’t measured by what we actually do and create, but by how many people are interested in what we do and create. Jesus didn’t live like that. He did everything right and yet he was crucified by the very people he had been promising for centuries to come to. He was forsaken. He was betrayed. But that didn’t stop him.

I want to live like that.

I want to be so consumed with the message of hope, I don’t care what people think. I don’t mind if they reject me. I want to pour everything I am into what I believe in and keep moving forward in the direction of my convictions. Even if its just for one person.

After my time at Ellerslie, I struggled with the next leap of faith. I wanted to continue with my writing, but I felt the doubts creep back in.
“No one would ever read your book. No one would ever read your stories. No one would ever read your blog.”
Then I heard Jesus.
“Maybe one will.”

I don’t know who you are. Maybe you’re that one person. Maybe you’re not. Maybe you think I’m crazy and stupid. I don’t mind. I know I am. But maybe you’re just like me, with something weighing on your spirit that you want to chase after with all your heart, but have been too afraid to. You’re not alone. I know its scary. I know what its like to want something so bad but have no idea how to get it. I know what its like for the world to spin all around you and your heart to beat so fast you think it’s going to eat itself out of your chest. I know how it hurts when others don’t believe in you. And even more than I know, Jesus does. He was mocked and forsaken and  despised and rejected when all he did was love.

But that didn’t stop him. And it doesn’t have to stop you.

Are you ready for a leap of faith? Its ok to be scared.
Its not ok to never try.

And trust me, I’m telling this to myself as much as I’m telling you. I’ve literally started up and then deleted this blog like 10 times. If anyone knows what its like to be uncertain and full of doubts, its Emily Brown.

So here, grab my hand-

we can take a leap together.