Deeper.

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You could hear the ooh’s and aah’s ebb and flow throughout the room as he walked in. It wasn’t necessarily because of who he was, but because of who he was related to. He was the son and brother of published authors who were highly respected in the Homeschool and conservative Christian community, especially the community of our speech and debate league. He was a Harris.

For those of you who don’t know, Greg Harris was a pioneer in the Homeschool movement, authoring a best-selling book and hosting seminars for parents who wanted to raise and educate their children in a Christian environment. His sons later followed in his footsteps. His eldest, Josh, wrote the book, “I kissed Dating Goodbye“, which focused on honoring God through purity and pursuing relationships with the intent of marriage, and his twins, Alex and Brett, wrote “Do Hard Things“, encouraging youth to break societies mold of low expectations for teenagers.

Copies of the Harris family books, especially Josh Harris’ 1997 bestseller “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” probably sit on the shelf of most homeschool families I know. And even if those families don’t own the books or never attended the seminars, most Christians have heard of them or their materials at some point.

I did speech and debate with Greg Harris’ younger sons (the ones who hadn’t written any books), and they were kind of treated like homeschool-celebrities. Especially at a couple of tournaments when their older brothers came to visit. The ooh’s and aah’s in the room were undeniable at that point.

Why do I tell you all this?

Well a couple of weeks ago, Josh Harris, who later wrote three other books, attended graduate school, hosted seminars and conferences, and became a teaching pastor of a large church, made a public announcement that he is leaving his wife, and the faith.

The news caught me off guard.

What? Joshua Harris? Not only a fellow christian, but a fellow homeschooler? Someone who had been raised in a similar way that I had been raised? The brother of the boys I used to compete with in speech and debate…The man who was a pastor, father, husband, son. The man who wrote, “Not even a Hint,” a book that had encouraged me to chase after the purity and holiness of God. I couldn’t believe it.
It broke my heart.

After I heard the initial news, in a weird way his announcement sort of began going viral in my circles. My family and friends were all talking about it, articles about him were blowing up on christian blogs and news outlets, even a couple pastors I know mentioned it from their pulpits.

The more the news got circulated, and the more I learned about the situation, the more grief I felt. Not just for Josh Harris’s church, and his family, and the people who had read his books, but for Josh himself.

What was he going to do with his life now that he didn’t believe there was a purpose for it outside of the physical? How could he be at peace, after walking away from the prince of peace? How long was he going to chase after the things of this world until he realized its all empty, it’s all meaningless outside of God…would he ever?

I struggled and I prayed and then a still, small voice told me,

Maybe this is my will.

Ok, don’t get me wrong. God doesn’t desire people to reject him. God doesn’t want his church in turmoil. God doesn’t delight in our grief and God most certainly doesn’t want families to be broken apart.

But God does want genuine followers.

And perhaps it was better for Josh to realize that he wasn’t one, then to keep faking it for years and years, perhaps even a lifetime and then getting to the judgement seat of God and saying, “Lord didn’t I pastor a whole church? Didn’t I stay married to the same woman my whole life? Didn’t I write a book about PURITY for petes sake?” and then God saying, “Depart from me. I never knew you.”

Because it’s not about legalism. It’s not about rule-following. It’s not about being homeschooled. It’s not even (dare I say it) about staying pure before marriage! It’s about having a relationship with God. It’s about knowing him, truly knowing him, and knowing his forgiveness and mercy and justice.

Furthermore, now that Josh knows he’s not a Christian, maybe he’ll actually have an opportunity to become one. After all, God leaves the ninety-nine sheep to go after the one lost lamb.

I don’t believe Josh Harris’ story is over.

Strangely, it was during this time that I was talking and praying about this situation and reading news articles about it that another event occurred. One of my favorite artists released their new album. That probably sounds like it has nothing to do with Josh Harris, and initially that’s what I thought too.

The artist is (coincidentally) another Josh, Josh Garrels, and the album is titled Chrysaline. A few days after it released, Josh posted this on his instagram….

“Now that my album “Chrysaline” has been out for a few days, I’d like to take a moment to say a few words…These were the songs my soul needed to sing. Many were written slowly over many sabbath days, with no audience in mind—just to remind myself of the goodness and faithfulness of God. Over the past few years so many friends, acquaintances, and public figures have openly renounced the faith, while many more have given way to a quiet disassociation and distancing from the things pertaining to the faith. Personally, I’ve felt the need to move in the opposite direction. The step of faith for me was to take these songs that were written in private devotion and offer them openly to the public. Hopefully, some of the songs will encourage those who are holding on to the Lord amidst these trying times…and, tenderly call back others who are tempted to abandon their first love. “Therefore let us go to him outside the camp and bear the reproach he endured. For we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come. Through him then let us offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name” (Heb 13:12-15)“

Those words and the movement of this man were just what I needed to hear in the midst of the turmoil and fear bubbling throughout my conservative Christians circles.

Instead of falling away, this artist was stepping forward. Instead of leaving others to question, this man was confirming his faith. Instead of loosening his grip on his beliefs, he was clinging all the more tightly to them, and to God.

And it’s inspired me to do the same.

My heart breaks for Josh Harris, but I can’t let his choices bog me down with him. I can’t let his decision cause me to fear that I will make the same, or that one of my siblings will, or the kid I grew up with in Sunday School will. Besides, he’s not the only one who has walked away from the faith. And sadly, neither will he be the last.

So what are we to do instead?

It isn’t to judge Josh Harris. It isn’t to point fingers at him, or speculate at the reasons and cause behind his choice. It isn’t to blame his parents, or blame his church, or blame God. And it most certainly isn’t to grow fearful.

Rather its to do what Josh Garrels has done. It’s to step out in faith, go outside the camp of our culture and be willing to be ashamed, and mocked, and hated. It’s to follow Christ, despite the cost and criticism and conflict. It’s to listen to the call of Joshua who said to the Isrealites so long ago, “Choose this day whom you will serve”, and do the same.

As Josh Harris and other Christians turn away from their beliefs, we must cling all the more tightly to them.

But I’m not talking about clinging to homeschooling, or clinging to courtship, or clinging to behaviorism. I’m talking about clinging to GOD. Our father, our maker, our creator and sustainer, our first love, our savior, the giver of life…GOD.

Legalism doesn’t last. And I’m not saying that’s the reason Josh kissed his faith goodbye. But it’s true. Rule-following doesn’t make you a Christian. Having kids that obey you the first time you tell them to do something doesn’t actually mean they’re saved. Having a bible that’s full of notes and a wallet that’s full of gospel tracts doesn’t mean God loves you more than the person who struggles with addiction, or anger, or unforgiveness. It’s not about legalism. It’s about love.

I love God, because he first loved me. I love him because in him I have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. I love him because he is the way and the truth and the life. I love him. And I don’t ever want to walk away from him. Ever.

So as Josh Harris steps away, and Josh Garrels steps forward, I’ve felt the need to make a decision and re-evaluate my faith as well.
And its forward for me.

As the unicorn in C.S. Lewis’s “The Last Battle” bellows with eagerness and joy before entering Aslan’s country, it’s “Further up and further in!”

Further into communion with God. Further down the narrow way. Outside the camp. Into his gates. At the nail-pierced feet of my beloved. Closer. Deeper.

The bible warns us that in the last days the love of many will grow cold, and its here. It’s happening. But I refuse to be one of them.

I’m going deeper. Will you join me?

” Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 3:12-14