Last October, I deleted instagram.
No, I didn’t de-activate my account. But I deleted the app and would literally re-download it every Friday just to hop on quickly and share my blog posts.
Part of the reason I deleted it was because of the way it was negatively affecting my mental health. It was a place where I would scroll and compare and compare and compare. Or it was a place where I would scroll and judge and judge and judge.
You could say it triggered me at times. Mostly it sucked me in and then spit me out, making me feel like my life was seemingly boring and mundane compared to the perfectly edited and filtered posts and pictures that others shared.
Furthermore, if I took a picture that didn’t please me aesthetically, I wouldn’t post it. I would scroll through my camera feed and decide which moments of my life were “instagram worthy” and which ones weren’t. I was becoming trained to only appreciate the high-light reel of life.
I don’t know about you, but the fight to honor the Lord in the realm of social media is a challenging one. So much so that I feel as though I gave up last Fall by deleting instagram.
I kept writing on this blog because it’s harder for me to put a filter on my words and because I truly do want to use the tools I have to share light and goodness and joy and peace.
I thought that a few months off instagram would prepare me to get back on it. I thought I’d have some plan of how many times to post per week/what to post. I thought I’d know the exact limits for how many minutes I should spend on the app. I thought I’d never struggle with it again.
Well, sorry to break it to you, but…. none of that happened.
I’ve been more active on instagram the last month or so, trying to feel it out, get back into it, etc…but I still don’t know what to do, to be honest.
To an extent, I think I’m over-analyzing it. (And if you know me, you know that is something I’m very, very good at) At the end of the day, it is just an app and probably about half of the people I’m closest to don’t even have an account.
I guess I just feel like I’ve been on a fence and instead of staying there, I need to either hop back into the pasture, or walk away.
Walking away however, feels like giving up. And I don’t want to give up.
I’ve never been a good fighter. Just the word confrontation gives me a stomach ache. But the fight to use social media for Gods glory is a fight I want to win.
As I write this, I’m kind of laughing to myself. It’s not like I have thousands of followers who really care whether I’m active on instagram or not. People probably wouldn’t even notice if I deactivated my account.
But God would notice.
I’m not saying I think you’re a better person if you’re active on social media. I just want to be a good steward with the platforms I have. I want what has previously been a trap, to be redeemed into the tool I know it can be. And I want to use whatever means I can to bring glory and honor to God. I don’t want to shut the door on an opportunity or let Satan win a fight.
All that to say, I don’t know how to use instagram. I don’t know how to fully glorify the Lord in it yet. It is still a struggle at times. I don’t want to just share the high light reels but sharing all the nitty-gritty vulnerable and honest details of my life is something I can barely do with my boyfriend, much less social media. I want to be honest, and full of truth and light. And as someone who has compared myself to others on instagram, I never want the mere mountain top moments of my life to make anyone feel envious or discontent or unworthy.
I just want to do the right thing
And I don’t want to hide from the fights, and the confrontation, and the struggle, even if that struggle is as simple as navigating social media.
I want to glorify my God, and fight well, even amid the mess.
So, to challenge myself, for the next month I’ll be posting every day on instagram. Whether it’s a picture of a sunset, or a picture of the smashed pbj I made to eat in the car while driving to class because news flash! I don’t always eat perfectly aesthetic salads with avacado and tomato but also news flash! sometimes I do! and sometimes its just fun to share those things! Whether the caption is a paragraph long, or a sentence long with a couple typos here and there. Whether its a high or a low, I want to share what I’m learning and feeling and experiencing. I want to take off the rose colored glasses that I always seem to unconsciously put on before I open instagram and I want to be on there the same person you’d meet in real life.
Because at the end of the day, I’m just a super, super ordinary girl who wants to please a super, super extraordinary God.
I heard a quote recently from a pastor that said “God sees your progression, and he loves that more than perfection.”
I think my intentions for leaving instagram last October and coming back knowing how to use it perfectly were good, but entirely unrealistic. And if I keep waiting until I have the perfect plan, I’ll never get on it again.
So here’s to progressing towards my goal, and not waiting to perfect it. Here’s to glorifying God and blessing you, even amid the mess.
On his heels,
-Em
