I didn’t know that three years later this is where we’d be
I didn’t know that the greener grass on the other side
could be the grass of the days gone by
I didn’t know that jazz music could make me sad
I didn’t know how easily I’d give in to fear once more
But I also didn’t know that I could start over, alone, again,
I didn’t know I could wipe my own tears,
better than another could wipe them for me
I didn’t know that sometimes I need pavement beneath my feet
and my mothers homemade soup, and my nieces sweet embrace,
and a pen between my fingers, and cool air inside my lungs,
and a bible on my lap, more than I need them
I didn’t know that I’m not less of a person because of my weakness
and others are not better just because the darkness has not come to visit them
they don’t know what it’s like –
it takes bravery to fight this darkness
But I am not alone
Christ went to Sheol
Christ sweat tears of blood
Christ saw the sparrows that died
and he wept over lazarus, though he knew he would rise
Christ tells me that I am allowed to weep too
I didn’t know that a God I can’t see could console me like no other
I didn’t know that a man who lived two thousand years ago could be my sweetest and dearest love,
my most gracious of friends, who wounds me to heal me,
my morning song, my refuge, my strength
I didn’t know that the King of all Kings would accept me again, a worthless sheep,
though I’ve chased after others and left his side
He gives me hope and he gives me life
And I wake up each dawn now and hear his voice
as he tells me I’m his child, a new creation
justified, forgiven, restored, and free,
beautiful, no matter what others say
always beloved, no matter how others feel
My God sings to me the truth of his love and I didn’t know how faint his voice had been growing because the voices of the enemy were drowning him out
And I cling to his promises with all my might,
for he can take it when no one else can.
The weight of a love I’ve never known washes
over me afresh every day,
I am his bride, his beloved, his chosen,
and I give him my heart and vow him my life,
for he alone will never forsake me.
I didn’t know my dependence doesn’t scare him, it delights him.
And I look to the sunrise and I see with a smile,
that its not just me who must start over each day,
and rise from the darkness that is as constant as the light.
And I look to the forest and I see the the creatures, so wondrous,
so majestic, both great and small,
it’s not just me who clings to comfort when the world around me grows cold and dark.
and the sunshine burns over the ones she loves, just like i do
and the waves of the ocean, crash and break, day after day like my weak human heart, yet we look at her waters and call her beautiful
and the spring birds sing songs like the ones I have written
and the clouds too, hold rain they can’t always keep in
I didn’t know I was not alone
and there still is an ache when I hear the old songs,
fear still meets me when I look too far ahead,
but though I fell down, for quite some time,
my father waited, til I was back on his heels
and he is still leading me on in his faithful love
I don’t know if I’ll ever hold children of my own,
I don’t know if my words will get past my own head,
I don’t know if I’ll cut off my hair again,
or see Europe and the alps like I’ve always craved
but I have the cross before me,
I have the world behind me,
and though not even my dearest friends choose to follow the path
I must trod, still i will press on.
I may never stop being too soft for some people,
i am not steel, I will never be stone.
But Jesus hanging naked from the cross lets me know I can be
both vulnerable and invincible,
both gentle and great
both beautiful and broken.
I’m not looking for greener grass anymore
I’m not waiting for a gardener to do the work for me
I’m not hoping for someone to plant me a pasture, like I used to dream
I am sowing my own crops
I am scattering my own seeds
i am waiting
and watching, as my fields and meadows grow
my father brings the sun, and my father brings the rain
and this land is not perfect, yet still he comes to live with me,
though others run away when they see the bristles and thorns
and we work through the summer, and springtime and harvest
and he sings me his songs, and I bask in his love
I didn’t know that grass that was green, could be the same grass that years later would die, but there is no hope for any seed that is planted outside the Makers will.
So I will keep working
and I will keep waiting
and I will keep hoping
and I will keep praying
that new fields will grow
in place of the old,
and one day I’ll look back,
and say with assurance
I didn’t know how weak I could get,
but I didn’t know how strong I’d become.
