For days I’d been living in a wasteland.
My heart was tired. My spirit was spent.
I had wandered from the refuge of the promised land
and I was dying of thirst.
God looked down on me with his arms crossed.
“My child, aren’t you tired of living this way?
Aren’t you ready to come home?”
But I refused to lift my prideful eyes towards heaven.
I’d picked up the burden from the foot of His cross
that I’d laid down years ago.
Jesus, with his tender eyes and nail pierced hands, reaches out to me.
“Beloved, You don’t have to carry that anymore.
Don’t you remember how much it hurts?”
Yes.
I remember.
Pain channels up my spine as soon as I pick it up.
But somehow the familiarity of this harrowing load is comfortable.
I’d walked to the edge of Hell carrying this.
I can’t hide it though.
And I’ve lost sight of heaven.
The weight of my burden makes me bend over until all I see is dust.
I’m sick of dust.
It blinds me. It chokes me.
Yet, this is where I belong, right?
After all, “Dust you are and to dust you shall return.”
So I stagger on.
In the distance I can hear the Holy Spirit weeping.
It was never my intention to hurt him,
but he grieves over me night and day.
“Helper,” I tell him, “I promise I’ll put my burden down.
Just not yet. I need it somehow.”
For a moment his tears wash the dust from my eyes
and I can see him again, in all his majesty and mystery.
“Child, you need ME.”
I hear his words and I see his beauty,
and my heart believes but my hands won’t let go.
Somehow this burden has given me purpose again.
So I fight his conviction and the urge to lay down this thing that’s breaking me apart. I look for someone to blame besides myself.
The only person who is there is the one who has never left my side.
So I shake my fist at the one who made it.
My God.
My Father.
“I tried to follow you but you got so far ahead of me I couldn’t see you anymore. Where else was I supposed to turn?”
But I already know the answer. The truth weighs heavier on my heart than the burden on my back. I trek hard through the dirt before he can say a word. All the signs point to death but I ignore them.
This burden has made me feel again.
So what if its misery and pain?
At least I’m feeling something.
But the road is long.
And dark.
And lonely.
I see nothing ahead but suffering and despair.
My back is split open with festering wounds and a foul stench follows me wherever I go. If I keep walking this way, I know I will die.
With every day that passes my burden grows heavier
until I cannot take another step.
I collapse on my back, wheezing and weeping and waiting for God to send his lightning from heaven to smite me.
My tears clear the dust from my eyes.
Above me there are stars in the sky,
little flickers of light all pointing back to the light of the world,
The hope of all nations.
The King of Kings,
The Lord of Lords,
The Messiah,
Jesus.
Again he reaches out to me.
I cower away from his touch.
“Hide your face from me Lord! I am unfit for you!”
“Oh child, when will you understand….It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but the sinners.”
“But Jesus, I was made well. And now look at me.”
Just let me die, I think.
“Even when you are faithless, I remain faithful.
For I will never leave you. I will never forsake you.”
He is gentle in his rebuke, relentless in his pursuit.
“I am the Father of the prodigal son. I am the shepherd who leaves the flock of ninety-nine to come after the one. Come home, child.”
I want to. I want to with all my heart. But for a moment I turn my eyes away from my savior and back to the burden at my side. It has torn me apart and left me to die, but at least it was something to hold onto.
“Lord, why is it so hard to let go of the very thing that’s killing me?”
“Because choosing death is in your nature.”
His eyes are tender but his voice is firm.
“But that is your old nature. Your old man has been
crucified on the cross with me.
I didn’t save you so that you would run back to your burdens.
I want to give you a new heart. I want to put my spirit in you and give you life abundant.”
I look at him; my rock, my salvation, my hope, my light,
and my throat closes up as I say it,
“I want that too Lord.
But I can’t take this burden away.”
“I’ll take it for you.”
“Again?” I ask in awe.
“Again. And always.”
“Why? Why are you so merciful to me
when all I have done is turn my back on you?”
“Because before I knit you together in your mothers womb, I knew you.
Before the foundations of the Earth were laid,
I chose you to be my child.
I have loved you with an everlasting love.
I have drawn you to me with unfailing kindness.”
His words are like the sun, thawing my frozen heart.
“Oh gracious Lord, I don’t want to fail you again.
I don’t want to go back to my burdens or walk the road of death.
I want to live in the light. I want to please you.
I want to follow you wherever you go, even into suffering and death.
I want to be made new, cleansed from my wrong-doing
and shaped into your image. I want to walk in the light.
I want to be holy as you are holy.”
“Good,” my Father says, “I want that too.”
He holds out his hand and I grasp it with all my strength.
I don’t ever want to let go.
He pulls me from the dust and the grave I’d dug for myself.
“Why did I run from you?” I ask.
“You forgot who you were and where you belonged.”
“But I’ve never been anyone. I’ve never belonged anywhere.”
“You belong with me, child. Your citizenship is in heaven. You believed in me and so I have given you the right to be my child. Yet you did not choose me, but I chose you and rescued you from the darkness that you should bear fruit in the light and that your fruit should abide. See, I did not save you so that you would run back to your burdens.”
“Why then, Lord?”
I look at him with aching eyes and my heart beats with anticipation.
He smiles as if he can’t wait to speak the words.
“I saved you so that you would know me.”
I’ve heard him say it a million times, in a million different ways.
I’ve been rescued by him over and over again.
Yet today its like the first time.
“Lord I want to be faithful as you are faithful to me.
I don’t ever want to run away again.”
He sees the question still in my eyes.
But how?
“Just never leave my side.”
