This year has started out a lot differently than I expected.
A lot less skiing.
A lot more kleenex.
Allow me to explain…
In the first week of January, I lost my Grandfather.
And the following week, I came down with a severe cold turned sinus infection that I am still not fully recovered from. For most of this month, I haven’t had the emotional or physical strength to do much besides go to work and take care of my basic needs.
Not what I wanted for this new year. Not what I’d planned at all.
As I’m sure many of you did, I entered 2023 with a list of goals and priorities. I was aiming for consistency and productivity, especially with the beginning of the busy season at my day job.
But God had other plans for me.
Despite friends and family reminding me that my worth is not found in what I do, but who I am, I’ve still been struggling with feelings of disappointment and failure.
When you’ve been eagerly anticipating the race ahead, it’s hard to press on when you’re knocked down at the starting line.
A little over a week ago, on a day that I was feeling especially low, I was contacted by the editor of the online journal, By Design, to inform me that the post I’d submitted on the topic of surrender had been accepted and would be published the following week.
First, I was excited.
Then, I paused and had to shake my head,
a smile beginning to form on the edges of my dry and cracking lips.
Surrender.
I’d written a post on surrender.
The funny thing was, I’d written this post long before the year had begun… as if God had been sowing in me the seeds of his truth that he’d need to till and water in my heart in 2023.
Because it was now that I needed the reminder.
It was now, that as a local pastor in my area likes to say- I needed to
Remember to Surrender.
At church the following Sunday (that I participated in from the comfort of my couch because I was still coughing up a storm), the worship team played “I surrender all.”
Again, God’s sovereignty and gentle nudging put a smile on my face,
as well as tears in my eyes.
The title of the post I’d written for By Design Journal had been
“The Worship Song I couldn’t Sing”
and what was the name of the worship song I couldn’t sing?
I surrender all.
I had to shake my head again.
Ok, God. Ok…
One of my favorite quotes by C.S. Lewis says “Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done.”
I think the same could be said for surrender.
Somedays, it isn’t too hard to speak the words
“Not my will, but yours be done.”
But what about in sickness? What about in grief?
To be honest, most times those words are the last thing on my mind.
It’s hard to surrender when we don’t want to.
But that’s exactly the time that we need to.
A month ago, I couldn’t foresee my Grandpa’s passing.
I couldn’t foresee the hours I’d spend, not writing or editing or working out or skiing, but simply laying on the couch with my fingers pinching my nose, trying desperately to relieve the pressure from my sinuses.
Trying to relieve the pressure….
Makes me smirk just to type those words.
I’d put so much pressure on myself this year.
But what is pressure without purpose?
What are our goals, what are our plans- if God is not in them?
If God does not go with us?
One of my favorite passages in the Bible comes when Moses, weary with the Israelites complaints and demands, speaks these words to God (referencing the promised Land)-
“If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here.” (Exodus 33:15)
How many of us pray something similar before writing down our New Years goals? Or before seeking that promotion at work, applying for that college, or taking on that extra side gig, hobby or sport?
If most of us were honest, we’d admit it’s rare.
Maybe you had something unexpected occur in this new year too.
If so, I would encourage you to look at the disruption as a blessing instead of a curse.
The disruption from your plans-
could be the very thing that allows you
to accomplish your plans.
Because sometimes it’s only those disruptions that reminds us-
we are not the ones in control.
And we need to remember to surrender to the one who is.
My sinuses are beginning to clear, and with them my vision for 2023.
But they aren’t clear yet, so while this sickness lingers,
I take one laborious breath after another-
And I remember to surrender.
Picture credit for cover photo goes to @lcgracephotography
Wow. This is so beautiful. Thank you for the honesty and the reminder!
True! Plans seem to fall like sand through your fingers without God. I remember what Elizabeth Elliott said in response to her lonely situation after her missionary husband had been senselessly slaughtered by the natives that he was graciously reaching. “Sometimes all you can do is the next thing”
Very true!
thanks, interesting read